Wow, I really don't know what to call this feeling.
It's like...disappointment, but worse. The world's disappointed in me, but it's more like I'm
disappointed in me. It's like disappointment on an infinitely large emotional plane.
This feeling really isn't based off of one or two recent encounters. I feel like I'm always
disappointing people. I have a hard time saying no to friends or even friendly acquaintances. I try to avoid disappointment as much as possible, but it seems to always just come around and rear its ugly head in the end. And let me tell you, trying to live your life with no regrets is hard as FUCK when you also don't want to disappoint people. Actually, it's impossible.
I'm always doing something wrong in someone's eyes. Even if it's in the eyes of some homophobic bitch I don't even know. It's not those people that I care about, though. I HATE disappointing people I care about, even if I just care for them a little and I may regret it afterwards.
That reminds me, I FUCKING HATE BEING GAY. And no, that's not just a pathetic cry of teen angst you're hearing. I'm just so sick of it. I'm tired of these ridiculous emotions only able to be caused by being a homosexual teen. I WANT TO BE A FUCKING NORMAL BORING TALENTLESS STRAIGHT BOY. I mean it. Sort of. I mean, I'm sure
they have problems of their own, but their grass is a lot greener right now. Well, duh, it always is, that's the saying, isn't it?
I wish there was an eject button. I want out, I want out, I want out of this body, out of this sexuality, out of this life. I want to be almost anyone different in almost any different place in almost any different time period.
I'm tired of trying to question my sexuality and sexual orientation in general. I'm utterly sick of pondering it! I just...don't want it to exist anymore!
Mostly I feel like being gay disappoints my family and some others around me. Which hurts more than anything can ever hurt because above all, that is the ONE thing that I don't feel I can change. Because trust me, at this juncture, if I could change being gay, I WOULD. I don't think a whole lot of people grasp that concept. There's not a whole lot about homosexuality that really draws me to it. It may be desirable to some people, but not me. The hardest thing that I have to do now is figure out how I can accept that and still love myself. I don't even know if I do or can love myself, but that's a completely separate entry.
Sometimes I feel like my very existence is a burden on the world...I know that sounds dramatic, but I just feel so useless sometimes. Not like I've really isolated any sort of meaning or purpose for humankind yet, but still. I can't help but think that the world might be a better place without me...okay, so THAT was a bit melodramatic. Granted, this is NOT a suicidal outlook. I am NOT contemplating suicide in any way, shape, or form. One might say that my thoughts could be classified as suicidal, but I have absolutely no intention of killing myself ever. I just have an overactive mind that likes to think way too hard about things sometimes.
At the same time, I also feel disappointed. I think part of the reason I feel so sensitive to the disappointment of others is because of my own sensitivity to disappointment. People disappoint me almost daily. Just little, tiny, stupid things. But also big things too, sometimes. I feel cheated about more things than I really should, and that's one of my greatest downfalls.
Thus I'm stuck in some never ending whirlpool, the cyclone spin of death that tosses me back between being disappointed and disappointing others, in a rapid and frantic pattern. Right now I feel like I'm at the bottom of that. Like I'm sucked to the bottom with no air to breathe just wanting to get to the surface.
That's all I really ever want, is to get to the surface.