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Wow, I really don't know what to call this feeling.
It's like...disappointment, but worse. The world's disappointed in me, but it's more like I'm disappointed in me. It's like disappointment on an infinitely large emotional plane.

This feeling really isn't based off of one or two recent encounters. I feel like I'm always disappointing people. I have a hard time saying no to friends or even friendly acquaintances. I try to avoid disappointment as much as possible, but it seems to always just come around and rear its ugly head in the end. And let me tell you, trying to live your life with no regrets is hard as FUCK when you also don't want to disappoint people. Actually, it's impossible.

I'm always doing something wrong in someone's eyes. Even if it's in the eyes of some homophobic bitch I don't even know. It's not those people that I care about, though. I HATE disappointing people I care about, even if I just care for them a little and I may regret it afterwards.
That reminds me, I FUCKING HATE BEING GAY. And no, that's not just a pathetic cry of teen angst you're hearing. I'm just so sick of it. I'm tired of these ridiculous emotions only able to be caused by being a homosexual teen. I WANT TO BE A FUCKING NORMAL BORING TALENTLESS STRAIGHT BOY. I mean it. Sort of. I mean, I'm sure they have problems of their own, but their grass is a lot greener right now.
Well, duh, it always is, that's the saying, isn't it?

I wish there was an eject button. I want out, I want out, I want out of this body, out of this sexuality, out of this life. I want to be almost anyone different in almost any different place in almost any different time period.

I'm tired of trying to question my sexuality and sexual orientation in general. I'm utterly sick of pondering it! I just...don't want it to exist anymore!

Mostly I feel like being gay disappoints my family and some others around me. Which hurts more than anything can ever hurt because above all, that is the ONE thing that I don't feel I can change. Because trust me, at this juncture, if I could change being gay, I WOULD. I don't think a whole lot of people grasp that concept. There's not a whole lot about homosexuality that really draws me to it. It may be desirable to some people, but not me. The hardest thing that I have to do now is figure out how I can accept that and still love myself. I don't even know if I do or can love myself, but that's a completely separate entry.

Sometimes I feel like my very existence is a burden on the world...I know that sounds dramatic, but I just feel so useless sometimes. Not like I've really isolated any sort of meaning or purpose for humankind yet, but still. I can't help but think that the world might be a better place without me...okay, so THAT was a bit melodramatic. Granted, this is NOT a suicidal outlook. I am NOT contemplating suicide in any way, shape, or form. One might say that my thoughts could be classified as suicidal, but I have absolutely no intention of killing myself ever. I just have an overactive mind that likes to think way too hard about things sometimes.

At the same time, I also feel disappointed. I think part of the reason I feel so sensitive to the disappointment of others is because of my own sensitivity to disappointment. People disappoint me almost daily. Just little, tiny, stupid things. But also big things too, sometimes. I feel cheated about more things than I really should, and that's one of my greatest downfalls.
Thus I'm stuck in some never ending whirlpool, the cyclone spin of death that tosses me back between being disappointed and disappointing others, in a rapid and frantic pattern. Right now I feel like I'm at the bottom of that. Like I'm sucked to the bottom with no air to breathe just wanting to get to the surface.

That's all I really ever want, is to get to the surface.
I've recently realized that thing I find most attractive in guys is their smiles. It's peculiar, isn't it? I mean, what is your smile? Opening the gaping hole in the flesh of your face to show eating...things?? It really is bizarre. It's different than just liking the teeth or the lips or whatever because it's not just that.

In fact, I don't think it's that at all. I don't think I'm necessarily attracted to lips or teeth or gums, more like the smile in itself as a whole. More like...what the smile shows about the person's character, you know? Most people (myself included) aren't that great at faking smiles, and there's just a certain point when you can tell that a person is not really happy when they are smiling, right?

But when you just see someone's smile and it radiates their inside so perfectly you feel like your heart is going to melt...ITS SO WEIRD. WHY IS THIS SO WEIRD.

Smiles are very important because they show a lot about people. First of all, I would never find someone who never smiled attractive. I simply wouldn't. Because I like HAPPY people and HAPPY people SMILE. It doesn't even matter if you ARE happy, if you WANT to be happy, you SMILE! Smiling shows that they at least want to make the effort towards happiness and I find that attractive! Although, I must admit happiness is an odd thing to find attractive. But I've found it to be true! I am attracted to happy people in general, but the guys that I find the most attractive are the ones who are HAPPY and have great personalities! (which, are basically one and the same because if you have a great personality, you're going to smile and be happy!!)

I always wondered why I never found emo boys cute and it wasn't their hair or their pants or whatever else it is that makes them emo, it's the fact that their face is so droopy and blah!!!!!

I could say that I'm in love...but I also fall in love with people on a daily basis. I walk into Blockbuster and want to marry the cashier. I walk out to my car and I'm in love with the guy who was behind me in line. I can't even answer the door when the FedEx guy arrives because I will turn into a puddle of goo. It's dramatic, it's over the top, I know, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'd rather be in love with the world than utterly despise it, right? Now of course it's not any deep or intimate kind of love that you get from actually knowing someone...more like our souls are magnets, and we attract each other. We could attract each other. Okay, so that's not the best example in the world, but still.

Or...it's like our souls are on the same wavelength? They're walking on the same road? It's a complicated feeling, but it's just that somehow, someway, you feel connected to this beautiful stranger.

I'm beginning to feel that...only in greater intensity. He has the GREATEST smile I've ever seen, and again I don't mean that he had a great orthodontist. I mean...his smile is genuine and gorgeous and reflects his beauty and it makes me go all googly eyed and my heart starts beating faster and all I want to do is be with him and I don't even know him. But I WANT to know him, and what I know of him is GREAT.

Updates later, maybe, if this turns out at all.
I can't give a name, but none of you know him anyway so it's okay.

I just had a dream that I saw Queen Latifah at an ice cream place and Mr. Branch gave me a little green soldier.
I don't want drama, or serious questions, or confrontations.
I just want to dance and have a good time and get along with everyone. Why is that so hard?
I can't help but think that I am insanely weaker than I've ever been.
Mentally, physically, emotionally.

I really just want to make out with as many people as possible right now, boy or girl. I need physical contact of any sort, even to the point of being vulgar. That's what I love the most about the raves. That's the best high in the world - just the people. Talking, hugging, laughing with complete strangers without saying anything at all. Loving people you don't know. GOD that's better than the drugs or the music or the dancing or anything. I mean, all of that accentuates it, but I just want to always be with people, always.

My heart beats faster when I think about it. Mr. Ross used to always say that you know you're in love when you think about someone and it makes your heart beat faster, so I think I must be in love with the world. I'm in love with life, really, and I'm really using this summer to take joy in the tiniest details.

The beauty in life. Having fun scrubbing paint off the patio after the newspaper didn't exactly cover everything when you splatter painted your backpack. Laughing at yourself and your current situation more times than you thought possible. Dancing naked while you rediscover how much you love the White Stripes and pledge that you'll love them forever and never forget them ever again.

I still need human contact, though. While some of you may enjoy the people you live with, I can't exactly say that I do. I've never been really close to my family and I don't think I ever will. I'd much rather be in a house of complete strangers or even acquaintances.

Oh god do I want to get to know acquaintances. I fucking want to know everything about my little middle school stalkers. I'm just as fascinated by them as they are by me. It's been a slow realization over the past few months that absolutely everyone has a story to tell. That really never has hit me before. They all have things they want to talk about, things they want to tell me. Granted, some people don't want to share their story so much, like me (I mean like the past. I'm fine talking about the present and beyond, but the pages before that are better off burned) but even then I want to hear about what they do want to talk about.

I had a peculiar dream last night, the first one I've remembered in a while.

It was the first day of school, but there were the new teachers and a new campus so it felt really different. And I was running around, trying to find my first class. And Ms. Bitchuk (because I don't know to spell her real name) was like principal or something, and she had her office in the middle of EVERYTHING. And she called me in and at first I was scared but then I was fucking yelling at that bitch! I argued with her a ridiculous amount, more than I've ever argued with anyone in my life. I was rude and crude and nasty to her.

Then I was on my way to class, but I saw one of my good friends who just graduated from Horizon and I didn't really get to say goodbye to her. And I cried more than ever, and I just held her and cried and cried and it felt really good.

There was the new teacher, Ms. Zeeb (who I'm really excited about, actually, because Rozina says that she's really good because her sister had her as a teacher and her brother is gay, which really has no pertinence to anything, but it just means she's not some lunatic homophobe although you never know because look at my hooker sister) ANYWAYS I was in a show, which probably just represents my eagerness to get back into theatre and DO something because I've had a break and I'm tired of it.

I am jobless, and will remain so for the rest of my life.
I'm so young.
I look so young, I act so young, I feel so young. In a bad way.
I want to grow, mature, and learn. Not stupid petty numbersdetailsdatespercents that have absolutely no connection to life. Life meaning what we LIVE, life meaning the shit that we do with our life, not just our meaningless tasks. What does it matter if you can do set notation? That is never EVER going to help me in life. I want to grow a little bit, move around in my skin.

I feel so STAGNANT and PLAIN. I feel worthless and nothingness and waste of yuck.
I WANT TO EXPLORE THE WORLD. I want to travel, but travel takes time and money, and these things are never in abundance, at least never to satisfy me.

I'm insatiable. I'm eager. I don't think I'm necessarily ready for the real world, but I'm ready for taste testing. I'm ready to really find myself and love myself, I know that for damn sure. I'm ready to forgive and forget and move on. I'm ready to be somewhat mature and look at things in a mature setting.

I DON'T mean losing the child. I think I'll always be ridiculously curious and inquisitive, and that's one quality I hope I never lose.
I just want to fucking accomplish something for once. I feel like I'm sitting here in one spot, not moving, ever. The worst thing is that I haven't the foggiest idea on how to move myself. I don't even know if it's possible for me to move myself yet!

Thus the predicament. I want to explore, but I don't know what I want to explore or how to explore it. I just want to do, just want to accomplish, and that's the child aspect of me.

I'm just so sick of looking at myself physically and inwardly and seeing such...rot. I want TRUTH BEAUTY FREEDOM AND LOVE! So I'm cliche, so I'm naive, so what! It takes a lot of doing nothing to realize that I'm doing nothing! Absolutely nothing!

I'm having snatches of fun here and there, grabbing it, pulling it out where I can, like hair. But I want more! (oh god that sounds bad!) I want passion and life! I want to know if there are strangers like me! I want to read intelligent books and sit in a circle and discuss them with others! I want to listen to people who can bestow life knowledge on me instead of ridiculous numbers and figures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's why college for me seems exciting. I'm ready to develop myself. I've been yolk far too long, and even if I've accomplished an embryo, I want to be a chick GODDAMNIT and hopefully someday a chicken! I want to mold and sculpt my brain to fit my life. I want to carve away the unnecessary to the sculpture of something beautiful of my brain! I want to take away the 90% SHIT that I'm learning now and take the 10% and use it for something REAL and GOOD and MEANINGFUL.

I want to CHANGE but I don't know how. That's the hardest part. I want to make an impact and do everything and be someone and be something and accomplish so much but I just have no idea where to begin. THAT's the part that frustrates me and makes me cry and hate myself. (oh! speaking of crying...I finally bought Brokeback. I haven't watched it yet, but I own it so I can cry whenever I want to now.)

Yes I may be a little dramatic...but I'm a dramatic person! This is my dramatic life and I'm living it - dramatically! I just want to start so bad...
Father's Day means absolutely nothing to me. And I don't think it ever will.

Okay, so, I want to BE Amy Winehouse!!!
(or Carol Channing. I can do a fucking KICK ASS Carol Channing impression.)

ummmm....not a WHOLE lot to say except for that